


The Woeful Wedding

by Alice_Writes_Stuff



Series: Stain'd Girls (Derry Girls AU) [5]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket, All the Wrong Questions - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Derry Girls AU, Gen, Minor Character Death, Multi, References to Drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24913792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alice_Writes_Stuff/pseuds/Alice_Writes_Stuff
Summary: It's the day of Kit Snicket and Dewey Denouement's wedding- but that doesn't mean the Baudelaire-Snicket-Markson family will manage to stay out of trouble. Between Beatrice's controversial wedding outfit, some literal musical bumps and an unfortunately timed argument, they manage to turn the event into a disaster.And all of that is before Carmelita Spats accidentally unleashes a batch of scones upon a group of unsuspecting mourners- a batch of scones that contains a rather special ingredient...
Relationships: Beatrice Baudelaire/Bertrand Baudelaire/Lemony Snicket, Dewey Denouement/Kit Snicket, Duncan Quagmire & Isadora Quagmire & Quigley Quagmire, Fiona & Isadora Quagmire, Isadora Quagmire & Carmelita Spats, Jacques Snicket & Kit Snicket & Lemony Snicket, Klaus Baudelaire & Violet Baudelaire, Mr. Quagmire/Mrs. Quagmire (A Series of Unfortunate Events), Violet Baudelaire & Carmelita Spats
Series: Stain'd Girls (Derry Girls AU) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1832224
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	The Woeful Wedding

The Woeful Wedding

It was the day of Kit Snicket and Dewey Denouement’s wedding, and Beatrice was running late. Still, as she walked quickly down the aisle to join her family in the front row, it didn’t seem as though she had missed anything too important. Sliding in to stand beside her partner, Lemony, she smoothed down the skirts of her long white dress, and turned to watch as Lemony’s sister, Kit, made her way down the aisle.

“That taxi took forever,” she grumbled, before looking at Kit. “She looks lovely, doesn’t she?”

“Oh my God,” Lemony muttered, shaking his head.

* * *

After the ceremony, the adults went into another room for the reception. The real party would begin later, of course, but for now they’d have a few drinks and talk about the ceremony, while the bride and groom were left alone for a while.

“Everyone’s staring at us,” Lemony said.

“It’ll be that tie you’ve got on,” Beatrice replied. “I told you wearing a tie with actual lemons on it was a bit much.”

“Seriously? You think my _tie_ is a bit much?”

“You should be ashamed of yourself,” hissed a guest as she passed their little group on her way to the drinks table.

“What did you do this time?” Theodora asked, glaring at Lemony. She had attempted to control her mane of hair by braiding it back, but it wasn’t any less noticeable, now resembling a grey rope so thick that you could probably climb up it without any difficulty.

“I don’t think she was talking to me, Theodora. I think she was talking to the woman who showed up in a full-length white dress and managed to upstage the actual bride.”

“I wouldn’t say I _upstaged_ her, Lemony.”

“Can we bear in mind that this is my only sister’s wedding day that we’re ruining here?”

“If you’re that worried, then maybe you should take the tie off,” Bert suggested. “I’ve got a spare one you can borrow, one that’s a little less bright.”

“The tie isn’t the problem! Look, Theodora, why don’t you give Beatrice your shawl, so she doesn’t look quite so conspicuous?”

Theodora nodded, and handed Beatrice her red shawl. Then she spied someone entering the room, and groaned.

“Polly’s here,” she informed the group. Polly, or Aunt Polly, as the younger adults knew her, was one of the most boring people in the world, with an unfortunate habit of telling long, rambling stories that seemed to have no end. She was insufferable, she was dull- and she was heading right towards them. “Shit, she’s spotted us. Run, kids, spare yourselves.” Unfortunately, though, neither Markson, Baudelaire or Snicket could get away on time.

“Harvey was just saying yesterday,” Polly said, as though she had already been talking with them for ten minutes rather than ten seconds. “You know Harvey, right? Lovely guy- I think he’s married to Mimi, whose mother worked at the bank. She was absolutely crippled with the old gallstones. And I’m sure you know, gallstones are no joke- a neighbour of mine was absolutely tortured with gallstones, they must’ve been the size of golf balls-”

“What was it that Harvey said, Polly?” Beatrice cut in. The other unfortunate thing about Polly was that she could often get sidetracked when telling stories, which was why asking questions was such a bad idea.

“He was telling me that everyone here is talking about your dress, wondering what you were thinking wearing it to a wedding.”

“It’s the only dress I have that was nice enough for the occasion,” Beatrice explained. It wasn’t technically true, she did have another dress that was nice enough, but she’d spilled coffee on that one, and this was the spare.

“Well, at least this was a good day for a wedding,” Polly said. “You know, I was at one last week, and dear God, the wind could’ve cut you in half, it was that fierce. Now, I don’t mind a bit of a breeze, if anything I prefer it, but this one was positively aggressive! And I was thinking to myself, Polly, this is no day for a do. And, as it turned out-”  
  
“Can I just stop you there, Polly?” Lemony said.

“Of course, Lemony, go ahead.”

“I didn’t have a point, I just really, really need you to stop talking.”

“That’s fair,” Polly said, and wandered off to go bother someone else.

No sooner had she left, though, than Theodora spotted someone else she didn’t like.

“What is Sharon Haines doing here?” she asked. Beatrice followed her gaze to the drinks table, where the woman who’d spoken to her earlier was standing. “It’s meant to be one drink per person, and she’s knocked back four bottles now! Course, it’ll probably not even touch the sides. Tolerance of a rhino, that one.”

Sharon Haines had been one of Theodora’s oldest friends. Bertrand used to refer to her as “Aunt Sharon,” and Lemony and Beatrice had followed suit for a while. That had been before she and Theodora had had a huge falling out a few years ago. Sharon had never really _got_ the relationship between Bertrand, Beatrice and Lemony. She knew the details- that they had three children between them, one biologically Lemony’s, the other two biologically Bertrand’s, and that they all lived together- but she had never given any indication that she understood how they all fit together, not really, or that she particularly wanted to understand, and this had been the source of her and Theodora's falling out. They’d managed to avoid her until now, but it was too late to escape now.

“Aunty Sharon,” Bertrand greeted her. “It’s lovely to see you.”

“I hope you’re proud of yourself,” she told Beatrice, ignoring the greeting.

“How’ve you been, Sharon?” Theodora asked. “Have you been well?”

“Not especially- not that it’s any of your business, Theo.” Sharon was the only one who had ever called Theodora that, so far as Beatrice knew. Most people just called her Theodora, or Ms Markson, depending on the situation.

“Mum’s not been feeling too great recently,” explained Sharon’s son, Kellar. “We were a little worried about her at one point, but she pulled through.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about your mother too much, Kellar- I don’t think even a bullet could take her out,” Theodora replied.

“See you’re just as charming as ever, Theo- God, sometimes I wonder how I put up with you for so long.”

“What about you, Kellar?” Bertrand asked, before Theodora and Sharon could get into another fight. “Is there anything exciting happening with you? Have you been seeing anyone?”

“Not at the moment, no,” Kellar replied.

“Kellar will never marry,” Sharon explained.

“Is that a feeling, Sharon, or an instruction?” Lemony asked.

* * *

The party had been pretty slow-going. Most people seemed to be leaving the Baudelaire-Snicket-Markson clan alone, which Violet suspected was the direct result of her mother’s decision to wear a floor-length white gown to her aunt’s wedding. It was a relief, therefore, when Isadora, Duncan, Quigley, Fiona and Carmelita appeared.

“What’s up, motherfuckers?” Carmelita said, by way of greeting.

“Thank God you guys are here,” Klaus said.

“How’s it been so far?” Isadora asked.

“Boring,” Violet said, with a sigh. “Mum rocked up in a white dress and now nobody’s speaking to us.” Just then, Lemony came up to the group of teens.

“Violet, Klaus, I thought we agreed you could only bring one friend to the reception, not five!”

“They don’t come separately,” Klaus explained.

“Yeah, we’re pack animals, Lemony,” Quigley added.

“Fine. Just, behave yourselves, kids. We’re in enough trouble as it is.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Snicket, you’ll have no trouble from us!” Carmelita assured him. Once he was out of earshot, though, she turned to the group. “Alright, guys, who wants to do drugs?”

“Excuse me?” Violet asked.

“Not anything serious, just a little bit of weed.”

“Where the hell are we going to get a bit of weed?”

“I’ve already got that one covered. Brandon knows a guy. Well, actually Brandon knows several guys, because he was in a weird volunteer group at uni, but that’s neither here nor there.”

“Look, I don’t care where it came from,” Duncan said. “Drugs are for mugs, okay?”

“Congratulations, Duncan,” Fiona said. “That may be the stupidest sentence that anybody’s ever said.”

“Come on, Carm, what makes you so sure that you can trust these people? I mean, what if they end up giving you dodgy gear?” Quigley asked.

“Dodgy gear? What do you think this is, The Bill?”

“I can’t believe we’re even discussing this!” Isadora fumed.

“Oh, for the love of fuck, let’s just live a little! We’re only young once!”

“I want no part of this,” Isadora said. “And if you guys decide to go through with it, then I’m sorry, but any friendship we have is officially over!” She pointed at her brothers. “And that includes you two!” Just then, a new song came on, and Isadora grinned. “Rock The Boat! It’s Rock The Boat!”

“That’s more like it!” Fiona said, and together the teens made their way to the dance floor.

They had to move quickly so they could get the best spots, right at the front. Violet, Klaus and Fiona managed to get in one row, and Carm and the Quagmires made it into the other, both groups sitting next to each other. They’d managed to get lucky, not just in terms of their spots in the lines, but they’d also managed not to injure themselves in the process. Though they had nearly knocked a guy over, and Isadora had almost got her feet trodden on.

“You are such a buzzkill, Isadora,” Carmelita said, once they were settled into their positions and into the routine that went along with Rock The Boat. “All three of you are.”

“Look, drugs are illegal, Carm. They’re illegal, and they’re addictive, but perhaps most importantly, around here, you can lose your kneecaps if you’re caught doing them. And I like my kneecaps, Carmelita. They suit my knees!”

“You do have pretty good kneecaps, Isadora,” Fiona added.

* * *

Meanwhile, over at the tables, the adults were watching the party unfold.

“Oh, God,” Theodora muttered, spying Polly sitting down next to an unsuspecting guest. “She’s got someone.”

“Should we intervene?” Beatrice asked. Theodora shook her head. “Oh, come on, Theodora, he’s only young.”

“So? When it comes to Polly, it’s every man for himself.”

At that moment, Sharon approached their table, Kellar in tow. “Can I have a word?”

“It’s fine, Mother,” Kellar said.

“It is not fine!”

“Did something happen, Sharon?” Beatrice asked.

“You could say that, yeah. See, my son has been waiting for this song to come on all night. But your eldest two knocked him out of the way, and now he has a bruise. Show them, Kellar.”

“I do bruise quite easily, to be fair,” Kellar said, showing them the small bruise on his leg.

“That is not the point!” Sharon snapped.

“Right, well, I’m sorry about that, Kellar,” Beatrice replied.

“Is that all you have to say?”

“I’m not sure what else there is to say, except for the fact that, well, our kids are teenagers and Kellar is a fifty year old man.”

“Look, Sharon, it’s a rough routine. You know that going in. You sit down on that floor at your own risk,” Bertrand added.

“So, you’re seriously not going to pull them up for this?”

“No, Sharon, we’re not. It’s just Rock The Boat,” Lemony said.

“I might have known _you_ wouldn’t see any issue with this,” Sharon replied.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lemony asked.

“You’ve been nothing but trouble since you came to this town. And now you’ve passed on the torch to your daughter, and she’s roped the others in. I suppose the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?”

“That’s enough, Sharon,” Theodora said.

“Come on, Theo, you know I’m right. You always said as much when he lived with you here.”

“That’s different, and you know it.”

“Perhaps.” She shrugged. “Even if that weren’t true, I still wouldn’t be too surprised- this is what happens when children don’t have a proper family unit.”

“What the Hell is that supposed to mean?” Lemony snapped, standing up. “Are you really that narrow minded that you’d rather our children _didn’t_ live with their parents, just because they have more than two?”

“Nobody has more than two parents, Snicket. Not really. You want the three of them to think this kind of thing is normal? What about the baby? How are you going to explain all of this to her?”

“I think you should rein it in now,” Bertrand said. “We’ll tell Sunny when the time is right, same as we did with Violet and Klaus. It’s our family, and it’s our business, not anyone else’s.”

“This is your fault,” Sharon said, glaring at Theodora. “I always said you were too soft on those boys, both of them, and now look what’s happened.”

“Okay, that is it,” Lemony snapped. “Go to Hell, you spiteful old hag!” No sooner had he said that, then Sharon’s face went pale, and she collapsed onto the floor.

* * *

So, Great Aunt Sharon was dead now, and it may or may not be Dad’s fault. The funeral was happening right now- naturally, none of them had been invited to the service- and there was meant to be a gathering this afternoon over at the Haines house straight after. For some reason, they’d all been invited to that- maybe the Haines family was worried that if they excluded them, then Dad would put a curse on the rest of them, too.

“I just don’t understand how this could happen,” Dad said. Mum sighed.

“Oh, don’t worry about it, everyone knows you didn’t mean to kill her- and even so, we’ll stand by you.”

“I didn’t kill her!” Dad protested.

“Whatever you say, Merricat,” Mum replied, patting his hand.

Violet rolled her eyes, setting another plate on the drying rack. Of course her mother would take this as an opportunity for a literary reference. And a Shirley Jackson reference, at that.

“Look, it was just a very tragic coincidence, that’s all!” Dad tried again. “No curse, no hex, and certainly no poison!” He shook his head. “I just said something that unfortunately happened to-”

“Cause her death?” Mum said.

“Coincide with her death!” Dad countered. “And that’s all that happened!”

Violet placed the last of the dishes into the drying rack, and Klaus got to work drying them and putting them away.

“That’s the dishes nearly done,” she said. “Do you want me to make you a cup of tea while Klaus dries them off, Dad?”

“No, it’s okay,” Dad said.

“Would you like me to get the Hoover and start working on the stairs, then?”

“I can do some dusting once I’ve put the dishes away,” Klaus added.

“What’s gotten into you two?” Dad asked, sceptically. “What do you want?”

“Nothing, Dad,” Violet replied. “We just thought that we should pull our weight around here a bit more.”

“You do so much for us, Uncle Lemony- you deserve to have a bit of a break,” Klaus added.

“For the last time, kids, I can’t hex people! It was an accident.”

“Hex!” Sunny chirped from her high chair.

“How is the Stain’d Sorcerer?” Uncle Bert said, coming into the living room along with Grandma Theodora.

“I’d be doing a lot better if you never call me that again, Bert,” Dad replied. “God, how am I going to get through today?”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Mum said. “But, listen see if things do get heated? Try not to rise to it. The last thing we want is another dead body on our hands.”

“Thanks, Bea,” Dad said, sighing heavily.

* * *

They changed into more appropriate attire for the shiva call- Violet wearing her one black dress and a pair of sensible shoes- and made their way to the Haines’ house. Mum and Dad each carried a tray of ready-made sandwiches, and Uncle Bert had a Tupperware container full of honeydew melon slices.

On their way, they were joined by the Quagmires and the Widdershins. The teens ended up walking in one group, the adults in another.

“Any sign of Carmelita yet?” Violet asked.

“Nah, she said she’d meet us at the house,” Duncan replied. He looked ahead of them, at the group of adults. “So, do you think it’s true?”

“Do I think my father put a curse on my gran’s former best friend, which caused her to drop dead at my aunt’s wedding?” Violet asked. “No, I don’t.” Secretly, though, she thought it would be kind of cool if it were true, though she wouldn’t say so out loud- and especially not right now, given they were about to enter the house of a family sitting shiva and everything.

Finally, they reached the Haines home. Just as they got there, a van with a fading floral design pulled up, and Carmelita climbed out, carrying a round Tupperware container. She approached the group of teens, and tapped Violet’s arm with her free hand.

“Can I have a quick word with you guys?”she asked. They nodded, and quickly followed her round to the back of the house, telling the adults that they’d join them in a minute.

“What’s going on?” Klaus asked, once they were out of earshot. They were now standing near the back door of the house, which led into the kitchen.

“There’s been a bit of a mix-up,” Carm replied. She held out her container and removed the lid, so they could see what was inside it- about a dozen scones.

“You brought scones?” Quigley asked. “How’s that a mix-up? Everyone likes scones.”

“These aren’t just any scones, though- they’re funny scones.”

“That one does look like it has a smiley face in it, but I don’t see-” Fiona began.

“They’re drugged scones!” Isadora interrupted, in a horrified whisper. “You put the drugs in the scones!”

“Well, technically, I made two batches of scones- one normal batch, and one funny batch. I put the funny scones in a green tub, and I ended up grabbing it by mistake when I left the house.”

“And what are we meant to do about it?” Duncan asked. “Should we call your cousin, and get him to run you home so you can swap?”

“No! There’s no way Brandon can find out about this! No, my friends, we’re gonna eat the scones now, and see what happens.”

“Absolutely not!” Violet said. “In case you didn’t notice, Carmelita, this isn’t another party. A woman has died! We’re here to sit shiva, to show a bit of respect, not to do drugs in the back garden!”

“We can always come back later in the week, I’m sure they’d understand.”

“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation,” Isadora said. “I thought we agreed that doing drugs was illegal and bad and we weren’t gonna have anything to do with them!”

“I didn’t agree to anything like that,” Carm pointed out. “Besides, drugs aren’t illegal when you put them into food. Everyone knows that.”

“Is that right? I’m not sure that’s right,” Klaus said. Just then, Sharon’s daughter Lizzie came out into the garden.

“What are you lot doing out here?” she asked. The teens got to their feet, ready to offer Lizzie their condolences, when she spied the tub of scones. “It’s good of you to come- and to bring these. Come through to the living room, there’s juice and things.” Then she took the tub, and went back into the house.

“Oh my God,” Carm said, once she was out of earshot.

* * *

While all of this had been going on, the adults had been facing an awkward situation of their own- and by the adults, I of course mean the Baudelaire-Snicket-Marksons.

“It’s so good of you to come,” Kellar said, when he spotted the seven adults that had entered the house. They each offered their condolences, and then, funnily enough, Fernald Widdershins spied a friend from drama school in the crowds, and Maria and Quentin Quagmire made a similar excuse, until only Lemony, Beatrice, Bertrand and Theodora were left to face Kellar.

“This is a pretty big turn out,” Bertrand said, in an effort to break the awkward silence.

“Well, it’s hardly surprising- Mum was very well-liked,” Kellar replied. “I suppose it’s because she was the life and soul of the party. Full of joys, always laughing.”

“I’m sorry, we are talking about Sharon, aren’t we?” Lemony asked.

“Certainly,” Kellar replied. “Look, Lemony, there’s something I need to say.”

“Is this about the curse, Kellar?” Bertrand asked. “Cause Lemony’s saying that he didn’t do it, and we’re standing by him.”

“It’s true, Kellar- I honestly wouldn’t even know where to begin with all of that stuff!”

“No, of course not, Lemony, that wasn’t it at all! I was just going to say that I’m sure my mother didn’t really mean what she said at the wedding yesterday, and I hope we can put that argument behind us.”

“Of course we can, no worries,” Lemony replied, relieved.

“Did you really think that I thought you’d put a curse on her?” Kellar asked. “That’s hilarious. I mean, I’ll admit that it was my first thought too, but I looked into it, and Mum’s death didn’t meet the proper requirements. So, you're completely in the clear on that front, Lemony. Nothing to worry about at all.”

“Oh, well, that’s good to know,” Beatrice said. “We brought you some sandwiches and things, should we just put those in the kitchen?”

“Sure,” Kellar said.

* * *

Lemony decided to bring the food into the kitchen, and see if there was anything else that needed doing through there. He found Fernald and his drama school friend- Avery? Andy? He wasn’t sure- in the process of putting labels on the various food and dishes that had been brought by the other guests, and set down his own plates in one of the few available spots.

“What did you bring?” Fernald asked.

“Ham sandwiches and honeydew melon slices,” Lemony replied. He was quiet for a moment, before continuing. “How are you both, anyway?”

“Well, we are making a shiva call, Lemony, so, you know, we’ve had better afternoons.”

“Is it true that you put a curse on Mrs. Haines?” Fernald’s friend blurted out.

“Ainsley, you can’t just ask things like that!” Fernald said.

“I didn’t curse anyone,” Lemony said, wanting to set the record straight. “Ask Kellar, he looked into it.”

“Will do,” Fernald replied, and with that he and Ainsley left the kitchen, leaving Lemony to label his food.

* * *

The Quagmire parents, meanwhile, had been cornered by Aunt Polly. She had sat down on the couch in between them, and launched right into the story that she had tried to tell Theodora, Lemony, Beatrice and Bertrand yesterday.

“… Now, I don’t mind a bit of a breeze. If anything, I prefer it. But this was just plain aggressive.” She shook her head, for effect. “And I said to myself, I said, Polly, this is no day for a do.”

“What is going on?” Maria whispered to her husband, who shrugged.

“So, when the bride arrived- and, as I say, by this stage the wind was properly fierce-”

“How do we switch her off?” Quentin asked- now, it was Maria’s turn to shrug.

“I’ve never heard wind like it, it was howling like a banshee!”

“Should we just let her finish?” Maria asked.

“So, the poor girl, the bride, naturally, she arrives anyway. And no sooner is she out of the car than she's lifted up in the air like a paper doll and blown into a flowerbed.”

“That's actually quite funny,” Maria admitted.

* * *

Meanwhile, the teens had relocated to the stairs, and were having a very fraught discussion about their situation.

“What are we gonna do? What the Hell are we gonna do?” Isadora said, starting to panic.

“Calm your tits, Isa, it’s gonna be fine!”

“It is not gonna be fine, Carmelita! There are drug scones down there! We’ve drugged everyone here- including our parents!”

“They might not be drugged yet!” Carm pointed out. “And even so, drugging people isn’t a crime.”

“You have a very loose grasp of the law, Carmelita,” Klaus said.

“What kind of person brings hash scones to a shiva call, anyway?” Violet asked, shaking her head.

“For the last time, it was an accident! I was gonna bring normal scones and save these ones for later, this wasn’t supposed to happen!”

“Well, it’s happened now,” Quigley said. “Now we just need to get them back before an old person takes one, or something.”

“Why does everyone get so sentimental about old people? Old people are assholes.”

“Carmelita Kitana Charlotte Chaplin Spats, this is really not the time. Right now we need to focus on getting those scones back,” Violet said, firmly.

“You’re right- I got that stuff so that we could get high, not your Great Aunt Polly.”

“There’s a thought,” Klaus muttered.

“Right, I’ll go to the kitchen and grab whatever’s still there, the rest of you, look around for any that have gone rogue. And remember, be subtle,” Violet said.

* * *

The seven teens made their way into the living room. Klaus, Fiona, Carmelita and the Quagmires looked around to see if any of the adults had grabbed a scone- they only spotted three, a member of the Haines family they didn’t recognise, Fernald and his drama school friend. Unfortunately, the two of them only had one full scone between them- the other, belonging to the aforementioned friend, was almost finished.

“I’ll work on getting that one,” Fiona said. “Duncan, Klaus, you get the other one. Isadora and Carm can make sure no-one else has had any.”

While they worked, Violet went into the kitchen, where her father had taken over making everyone’s refreshments.

“Where the Hell did the sugar go?” he said to himself, hunting through the cupboards. “I’m all for bitter tea, but you’ve got to give people a bit of choice!”

Quickly, Violet spotted the plate the scones had been placed on, and grabbed it. She was just about to slip out of the kitchen when Grandma Theodora came in, smelling slightly off.

“Listen to me, son,” she said, patting Dad on the head like he was five instead of forty-five. “I just want to say… I think you're doing a fine job.” She smiled, and gave him another pat. “Keep up the good work.” And with that, she was away, Violet following her back into the living room before Dad could ask any awkward questions.

* * *

With the scones successfully collected, the group made their way to the upstairs bathroom so that they could dispose of them.

“This is devastating- I can’t believe we’re having to do this,” Carm said, as they tore the scones into tiny pieces and chucked them into the toilet.

“Look, Gran had one, and now she’s acting really weird.”

“What kind of weird?” Fiona asked. “I mean, Fernald’s friend had one, and you’d never know the difference. Maybe these aren’t the drugged ones after all.”

“She was nice to Dad,” Violet said.

“That is weird,” Fiona agreed.

“What happens if my mum starts asking questions?” Violet asked, finishing off another scone.

“Your mum isn’t gonna trace this back to us,” Carmelita said, taking a scone from Quigley before he could start eating it.

“Are you serious? She traces everything back to us! She traces things we haven’t even _done_ back to us!”

“Are we absolutely sure this is gonna work?” Isadora asked, dropping the last few pieces of her scone into the toilet.

“Of course,” Klaus said. “This is how you get rid of drugs, guys- I’ve seen Goodfellas twenty times.”

“It’s not the only way,” Fiona pointed out. “I saw this film once where the main character was trying to hide drugs, and what she did was she shoved them right up her-”

“Yes, thank you, Fiona,” Carm cut her off. “I am not shoving a scone up my hole, I’ll tell you that right now.”

“Okay, that’s all of them,” Klaus said. “I’m gonna flush now.” He did just that- which was when the teens started to realise that their problems were far from over.

“Is… is the water supposed to be rising?” Duncan asked, pointing at the toilet, where, sure enough, the water- which was full of the broken up scones- was beginning to rise up.

“I don’t know! The water didn’t rise in Goodfellas!” It was now threatening to spill out onto the floor.

“Got any more bright ideas, gangster boy?” Carm snapped. “Right, we’ve clogged it- has anyone got a plunger?”

“I’m afraid I left my plunger at home, Carm,” Violet said.

“So did I,” Fiona added. “It’s a nightmare, isn’t it?”

Then, as if things couldn’t get any worse, the door burst open to reveal Kellar Haines, Mum and Uncle Bert.

“What the Hell is going on in here?!” Mr. Haines demanded.

“Okay, can I just start by saying, that this really isn’t as bad as it looks?” Violet said- although, she had to admit, it did look really bad- seven teens in semi-formal attire, surrounded by crumb-filled toilet water, in a relatively small bathroom. And that wasn’t even getting into the reason why they had been invited over here in the first place.

“My mother was right about you people!” Mr. Haines shouted. “Wild animals would have more manners!”

“You don’t have a plunger we could use, Mr. Haines?” Fiona asked. “Then we could get all this cleared up?”

“Get out! All of you, get out now!”

* * *

“I still think it could’ve been worse,” Dad said, once they were all home. “At least I managed to find the sugar in the end, and I got cleared of all charges in terms of the curse.”

“To be honest, I just want to forget the whole thing,” Mum said. “That curse ended up being the least of our problems.” She turned to Violet. “Are you feeling any better, Violet? Have you still got the runs?”

“No, I think that’s all cleared up now, Mum,” Violet said.

“You know, I can’t imagine anything worse than getting caught out in someone else’s house like that,” Uncle Bert said.

“What I don’t understand is why you felt the need to bring all of your friends in there with you.”

“I panicked, Dad,” Violet replied.

“Okay, can we stop talking about what Violet was doing in that bathroom? We’re about to have our tea.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” said Grandma Theodora, who, thankfully, seemed to be back to normal. “I had one of these scones earlier, and they were unlike anything I’ve ever tasted! So, I grabbed a few to take home.”

She set down a plate of the hash scones on the table, and everyone helped themselves- everyone except Violet, who stared at them all in growing horror, unable to believe her bad luck. Maybe the Snickets were cursed, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Carmelita's middle name: Carmelita's middle name being "Kitana Charlotte Chaplin" is a mixture of the common fandom trend of giving characters their actor's names as a middle name, and a reference to the official Derry Girls middle names revealed by the show's creator, Lisa McGee, on Twitter a few weeks ago. As Carmelita is more or less the Michelle of the group, she gets Michelle's middle name- or at least, she gets the same reasoning behind it, if that makes sense. I didn't think it was appropriate to actually name her after Padre Pio, since Padre Pio is a Catholic religious figure and Carmelita, like everyone else in the Snicketverse, is Jewish. So I decided to name her after Charlie Chaplin instead, as he was also a famous tap dancer and honestly, it sounded like the kind of needlessly extra thing that one would expect from someone like Carmelita Spats- or, more accurately, her parents.
> 
> On that note, the other characters' middle names in this AU also take their cues from Lisa McGee's official list- Violet and Klaus's full names here are Violet Theodora Baudelaire and Klaus Theodore Baudelaire, respectively, the Quagmires are Isadora Isadora, Duncan Quigley and Quigley Duncan, and Fiona is Fiona Z Widdershins.


End file.
